the sight of dishonesty.

you can't even look me in my eyes . while your mouth thrives in between lies . collecting the residue. of distrust .

traveling spaceships.

even though you don't know me, i know you. and although you can't love me, i love you.

one hundred-thirty.

where we lay.

there's a deep connection

in the line of reflections

that brought me to you.

as if i had been starring in a mirror

of glitter shaped by you - formed for you

to see me in a place i'd never be.

you dripped down the glass slowly

i tried to catch you because you hold value.

like the wind, i reached out to catch you -

but i couldn't ... and you continued to drip.

drip. drip. you slipped into a dream last night

and you were connected to me last night.

like the heavy ripples in the waves, i crashed
up against you - my silhouette crashed up

against you to convince you that. we are connected.

through the line of reflections. that brought me. to you.

where love met my tips.

the poignant flavors and spices that aroused my taste buds to jolt. met the tips of each digit on my hand and put a smile in the depth of my tummy. again. it had been too long. that we had been apart. and i suppressed my excitement when we met face to food. i blessed it. then carefully pieced a ball into my tips and softly wiped up some soup to flavor it. it was good. it was magic. i was satisfied with the fufu that was prepared. nothing like a dish that can have your mind traveling to the country of its origin. i miss home.

i. enjoy you. now.

maybe one day he'll be a brother. a cousin. a painter. maybe he'll be a teacher. a baseball player. (at this very second right now, he's pointing at the picture, struggling to say a word in english, but all he speaks is wa-ga-ha-goo-ooo. like music) a loving father. i don't know. what he'll be in the future. but right now, he's with me. and just as he is, he's precious. and i am witnessing his growth. and it is amazing. he is special. he is smart. he runs. he says "bye". right now, he's full of life. and i love being with him. because he reminds me that it's ok. to laugh and play. even while watching dora the explorer and diego on nick jr. he's enjoying, he inspires me to enjoy it. and he doesn't even know this.

daybreaker.

oooh love. so, i can blend and i can spend and i can befriend the mix on this trail. i can trust that they will please my taste buds. lacking nothing. because of a special friend. you painted a smile on my face. and in my tummy. now i have a new addiction. dried fruits and nuts. i love.

nothing like this.

i love arnold palmers. i love good conversation. i love genuinely caring people. and i was overwhelmed because i had all of it at once. i was satisfied. and Nigeria was up by one ... but i never found out the ending score. anyhow, i enjoyed myself and the company i kept. especially when thelopholus entered the conversation ... lol. :) tuesday was a great day shared with a Life changing evening.

one hundred-twenty nine.

her face in yours.

the milk ran cold up against

the silk porcelain cup .

the sky sat soothingly outside the window

ever so blue .

it hung heavily, happily behind the great

circular sun.

she looked in his eyess and felt a chilling

vibe radiate towards her.

he never knew.

his fingers curled around the brim of his cup.

late at night, he'd tossle out of bed

to remember the milk running cold

up against the porcelain cup.

she never knew.

the places he'd go.

maybe she saw nothing.

maybe he felt everything.

but the sun fell low.

yes, the sun fell low.

bleeding, day and night.

my pen needs a maxi pad. but then again, i don't want to limit its free flowing nature. i sleep with my notebook and my special uniball signo gel grip 0.7 pen every nap and every night. i just have to. as a result, when i'm not using the pen, it uses itself. and i think i'm ok with that. when i wake up to a new ink stain on my comforter, i can read into what my pen felt that night by the size and shape of its dot. as if i'm staring into someones face who's wearing a heavy expression, without speaking on full word, i stare into their face trying to read what they feel. that's inspiring. i love the comfort of my pen and notebook next to me each night. oftentimes, i'll wake up in the depth of the night, write something in the notebook or type something in my berry's notes. there's no such thing as writers block.

writing cannot be limited and cannot be lost if you have been branded a writer. it runs in your blood and your blood won't stop running until you are dead and gone - same goes for your writing.

kisses, kisses, ... more kisses.

yep, you've guessed it. another crazed text message.

x: Ddddaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyuuuuuummmm!!!!! #THEMOST! (i'm definitely bored with these extra text)...

me: yeah, seriously. you are. :|

x: *sigh* the average person will spend 20,000 minutes kissing. Damn! I guess i'm not average.

me: hahahahahahaha! i'm blogging this!

x: Ha! It's real talk!

me: for you it is. shoot. i stay kissing.

x: K.

lol, perfect ending to another crazy conversation. but it is true. i stay kissing. my pen to my paper are always locking lips ... well, locking ink and lines. :]

to my father ... and Father.

you know, i can't even be upset with you. i simply can't. because God isn't upset with me, even after everything i've done. he isn't upset with you, after everything you've done. He loves us both, unconditionally. for 18 years, i've used you as an excuse to reason with some failures that occurred in my life. but when i found out who Jesus is and what His purpose in our lives is, i had to immediately let go of the bondage i allowed you to keep on me. i mean, being upset with you wouldn't bring back all the years you were gone ... it wouldn't make me feel better, and it definitely wouldn't make you do better.

God taught me how to love - because it is only by His grace that i am still alive, that you are still alive, that we are still alive. i thank God for Mommy ... if it wasn't for her ... our family wouldn't be what it is and how it is today. but i thank God for His mannerisms, for orchestrating everything the way He has ... because i know things would have been different if His will had not been done .

i love you so much, because God first loved us ... and i love you so much, because you've allowed God to use you the way He needed to - for the betterment of us all. anyway, daddy, although you haven't responded, i know my text message has entered the sight of your eyes . happy father's day.

thank God for adopting me. i now have a Father who has faithfully promised to never leave, nor forsake me.

let the windows down.

overall, this was a good night.

what good does it do?

you know how it gets sometimes. when you're sitting alone. and you have this movie reeling in your mind. and you drift away. and you become engulfed with a space that once was vacant but now holds all the memories you thought had been shredded when you physically deleted and dismantled every last bit of every last thing that was a one way ticket to remembering. and once you're there, subconsciously, you become enraptured and confined and petrified. all things work together for the greater good, for those who Love Him. "thought what i wanted was something i needed. when mama said no, then i just should have heeded." there's a way to exit it all. if i could just lift this heaviness off the palm of my hands to place what really matters in it. *shrug* it goes on ... and on ... and on ... "content because that part of my life is finished." even when i'm sad ... Joy still lives. and it will live forever.

even when it makes no sense.

we walked for a while. and it was quite refreshing. we ate for no price at all. may God continue to bless you. is it possible to suffocate the silence? is there a way to strangle unruly thoughts? the sun shined bright and warmed heavily on this day. my mind couldn't take its eyes off of You.

even when it makes no sense, it makes perfect sense to all. well, at least to me. to us. to You.

just the name ... Your name ... Jesus. playing the role of my floaty. while i tread the waters of the wicked. as i drift from solid ground. Your name rings loud and i am fixated in a place of peace. the water begins to fill with liquids from my eyes because you inspire my tears to cry their own tears. i know if i didn't know You as my dear loving Savior and Lord ... i would not want to be here. or there. or in front of you. or looking at you. or distances away from you. because my life just wouldn't be right. hymns of recovery. hymns of hope. hymns of salvation. scooting up my throat. to erupt. to elope. to give and sing and ring praises to You. my heart. appeals to You. i pray that Your will be done, oh Lord. these times are the times i almost wish i never ... that i didn't ... and that i wouldn't ... and i need and long and yearn for You. i love You, Jesus. i love You, Jesus. i love You, Jesus.

one hundred-twenty eight.

clock work.

i wonder if you remember what 9:30p.m. feels like.

if you remember the smell,

the sound

the sight.

i wonder if you remember what 9:30p.m. felt like.

to you.

to me.

to. us.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

waiting for my feelings to numb again.

this just isn't what it is.

the past findings.

the suspense. arouses wonders and keeps. questions fluttering beneath hair follicles. dog barks. eye brows raise. you know. when you want to know but will never find out because there's magic in a mystery and mysteriously kittens flee. because they fear to be bitten. and rabies are contagious. aroused wonders make a home in the center of open chests that are scabbing from past findings. then look. up and see a striking beauty. inside the stratosphere. outside your mind. outside my mind. we see. beauty. that is untouchable. unthinkable. causing you to stop. your thoughts. focus on His art. the suspense. must cease.

one hundred-twenty seven.

the remainder.

i must admit how insanely incredible

it is that the air i breathe looks like

a creative scene from the times

we sat on saturn but under the moon

when the focus got lost because of

green sugar in brown sweets and

how heavy your words became when

we connected hands trying to hold

the conversation so it wouldn't

drop and break and be silenced

while we are still in our place of

hiding in a place of hidden dreams

we still smell and feel the remainders and the

residues and the remnants of days so long

ago bringing life to them and rebirthing

them for today's tomorrow so tomorrow

won't ever forget that saturn still

has a special

seat for

you

and me

even with

a ring around jupiter

i feel

the wind.

one hundred-twenty six.

the 'y' in you.

he lay on edge of the front couch

in deep silence and under cold covers

layered with skin, she lay on in, with him.

felt uneasy, still, she slid in and slept in same deep silence.

closed her eyes, loudly thoughts raged

forth and back and back and forth and

she felt his 5 digits cuddle the small of her thin

waist and his face press against her head with comfort.

then, the irrevocable why came to haunt her thought.

why do you cuddle your phone the same you cuddle me?

why do your words travel a distance longer and farther than i exist?

why do your eyes venture into the thicket of a dream when i am not in it?

why am i still sleeping on this couch in sin?

why do i try to convince myself that i am his number one at the top of a list?

why am i still sleeping in this couch of sin?

why do you tell me the same i hear in song lyrics?

she crept out from underneath his cratered palm.

she hung her head heavily below a ceiling that beat with rain.

she gathered her items. slowly. she tip toed into front room

and held his figure tightly in her eyes, and grinned.

out of his captivity, she gave her free

to walk and leave and never come back to he

because he cheat and he lie and he is close acquaintance with her

good-bye.

one hundred-twenty five.

bare.

this is me. bare.

my poetry walked through a garden, naked.
tempted to eat from the tree of adjectives
to describe exactly what my eyes caught
each and every time i opened them.
temptation took over and my words painted pictures.
indescribably.

this is me. still. bare.

just like Heaven.

yeah, i like having photoshoots with myself, by myself, and of myself ... when there is nothing and no one else around to capture and shoot - why not? i had an interesting incoming phone call last night from someone i wasn't expecting to hear from. *shrug* there was a starting point. a rising action. the climax hit. and irrevocably, the falling action came and i just had to get off. *sigh* i wasn't surprised. i did what i could and said what i could. the person then text me and said. "Thanks again jasmine, I really needed that talk" ... i guess somethings are appreciated, even if its short lived. nevertheless, i slept in a pillow of unruly thoughts. asking for clarification and begging for Gods comfort. every now and then, i wish i could detach myself from where i am ... you know, kind of like you did. i feel like it would alleviate some of this whatever i got going on. because really, there is nothing going on. i want to go awaaay. too many cloudy days in my head, not enough space for them all. oh boy. in truth no one will ever really care if it doesn't directly affect them.

i can't pretend.

it's funny, flipping and skipping and reminiscing down memory lane. these pages having become so worn. words and photos beginning to fade. i can't pretend that it never happened. but then again, pages don't lie; i'll start to believe them. "you and your sunny shine hurt my eye." ...

old enough to understand.

oh the places we'll go.

i can't fully explain how this life of mine has changed. i mean, it has its ups and its downs - obviously it can't defy gravity. and i'm growing to learn to appreciate it. maybe one day i'll be able to touch the moon. or dance with sun rays. have a picnic with dragonflies. write the night away. i've got nothing else to live for. but God. and i settle myself in wonder. quietly. never really talking about anything ... but meaning everything by doing so.

their eyes were glued to j'kwons errboddy in the club gettin' tipsy. mine weren't, of course. ;] funny thing about the song ... they were never in a club, but a house. lol. it was a full night, without a full moon.

on top of the moon.

i love love love my mother and my brother. so much. i remember this day vividly. the weather was at ease. perfectly pleasing. we walked and we talked and we laughed and we ate and we sat and we appreciated and we prayed and we thanked God for the moments He would bring forth to us. maaan. it was beautiful up there. we were beautiful together. i set the camera on self-timer and my mother said, "wow, jasmine, you really know how to work technology." my brother and i laughed. it was so funny and so cute. aaah. i couldn't ask for another family, ever. my mom and her strength exceedingly surpasses the ability i see from the outside in human beings. and her love is so strong and so comforting and SO unconditional. it's amazing. how much. she reflects. Christ. and my brother. the brilliant and knowledge hungry human being i've ever met. goal oriented. go getter. determined. and SO gooooofy. it's funny how different we all are. but we still share the love. because we love each other. because we are deeply saturated in Love.

"the world is too much with us"

quality time today with a brilliant romantic, william wordsworth. i never thought i'd see the day, bonding with an englishman. we do share something in common, our deep love and passion for nature. :) this should be interesting - but i hope to be finished with him today; can't stay here long with you.

i lost my camera underneath my sheets for 3 days. i didn't notice ... until today.

*shrug* ... i feel a certain way at this very second. and it's quite indescribable.

and words can't completely do this feeling any justice. i'll leave it be.

walk on by.

it's crazy ... to me ... how the mere drop of a search bar in a mozilla firefox web browser can take me away, traveling back to a memory i never wanted to revisit again.

or how the mere listening of a melody brings back the poignant scent of a fragrance i once knew, personally, or in my own mind, i did. when everything was new and falling into what would be.

or how a text message from someone could spark flashbacks of old conversations we held in a make believe garage while sitting under a pine tree watching the stars glide gently across the black screen, at night.

how i told myself, i wouldn't do this anymore but i can't keep myself from doing it because this is what i do and i love doing it. reminiscing. even though it brings me back to where i never want to visit again, the memory is sweet - the fruit that was and, in essence, is still forbidden is the sweetest and is like mango. well, to us, it was a tropical punch.

i remember when i ran to the back to grab an africansunshine for someone i never saw. we named it. together. and it was extravagant.

i could stay up all night. remembering. but will that stir a thought in the mind of the missing. i'll never know.

charming.

i can't even listen to these tracks anymore.

i'll be picking you.

i bought a chocolate chip cookie from subway this evening and i still don't understand why i do this to myself, every time. i have never been a fan of chocolate, ever. *shrug* but i still eat it. as i grabbed my cookie from its hiding place, because it knew it was about to receive a malicious beating from my teeth, i examined it closely. there were way too many chocolate chips in it. i tried being normal for a second and i ate one, but the chocolate was too rich. then, i began to meticulously remove each chocolate chip from the cookie, one by one. i am quite particular when it comes to any food i eat. i love food so much. i ate every piece of cookie around the chocolate chips, despite the task at hand, it was satisfying.

wouldn't you rather be picky than to force yourself into liking something you don't necessarily have to? ... *shrug* i think so.

mattel and hasbro.

me: ... what do you find your identity in?

him: in toys.

us: *hardcore laughter* (me more than him, lol.)

always good to have his company. he's so ... him. and that is an understatement.

spliff made by G.

me: you still owe me tacos!!!

x: Oommmmggggg I sure do!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh I completely forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: lol! i want them so bad.

x: I goooot u brrroooo!!!

me: *ahem* you mean , brosis.

x: Lmfao!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna tell u right here and right now!!! That u are like naturally high!!!!!!!!!

me: lol. that's a beautiful thing. :)

x: Yes it really is!!!!! Half the time I have to remind myself that ur sober!!!!!!!!!! Effing amazing!!!!!!

me: LOL. i have to blog this.

x: :)

me: whoa ... that was almost as lame as you saying you can't wait to skype. :/

x: Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(obviously, this person was overly excited to be texting me. hence, the countless exclamation marks. lol.)

my high spirits come from the Holy Spirit. it's more like ... a spiritual high. and i thank God for it. :)

set the tone.

i really am pleased with the way that the sun has colored my room the way it pleases. it has made me more comfortable and has frightened the eeriness away - warmth and color reside in its place. it has even given my skin a unique pattern. that i like. thank you, Sonshine. the tone of your Light is quite settling.

pieces at dusk.

today has been freeing . to say the least. i am coming to understand that , God is not God sometimes, He is not God when i feel like He is, and He will never be God at a scheduled hour. i know, now, what my position is and i am still learning how imperfect i am, but through Christ, i am being perfected. how i am only a spec in this world ... because He is ... my World and He is everything greater than me. i thank Him for the hours of 2 through 4 today. they were quite refreshing. :)

my mid-day snack after eating a whole grain peanut butter and jelly sandwich. very tasty. :) and i am taking each piece of this day in, one by one.

i don't know what tomorrow may bring, i don't even know if it will bring itself to me. but i do know that i can't live another day like i did yesterday, and the day before that ... and the day before that.

everyday gets bigger.

one hundred-twenty four.

clarity.

i can understand that when your eyes

trek across each word i scribe , you stumble

and question and begin to make it out to be what it
is not meant to be, what it's not meant to mean - for you.

what i mean is what i feel and how i feel is not
what you think i mean and will never mean what
you try to make my words mean .

and let's make this clear,

clarity doesn't exist here.

and when i looked up.

i saw a space in the sky filled with a space i could never find to clear my mind -

spend a little time.

if i could, i'd be lined up on the blades of grass with those birds, we'd fly to paradise.

one hundred-twenty three.

sound of a trumpet.

someone is playing a tune in the sky

its trickling down the side of my window

while i heard an eruption from the rage of

thunder

i paused

fell silent

neck shifted

mind boggled

confused

while wondering how a beautiful tune

could be misconstrued

by deaf ears

on nights

like this

confusing music

with anger instead

of bliss.

draped in stars.

i cruised the streets last night ... driving away from the day that sat behind yesterday. drowning myself in melodies . and thoughts . and lights . and eyes . and breeze . and space . i left the planet last night in my spaceship and skipped across stars that cannot be seen because , i didn't want to come back.

have you ever seen stars colored in the skies? ... i have. and if you haven't ... it's because beauty is fleeting. and those beauties fleet when foreign eyes try to capture them in memory. but i was fortunate enough. to see them, last night. it was astonishing. and i didn't want to come back. in search of forever.

second, date.

and she treated me to starbucks last night. it was a study date. i sat with her, comfortably. in her mind, i explored what she had been experiencing. too much to express verbally. but her focal point resided on Christ. all around Him, chaos existed. like a tornado. swallowing, ruining, and exterminating anything and everything that is in its way. she had a mind. and a tornado lived within. she didn't know where i was. but she felt me. and she treated me to a bagel with a cup of soothing tea. then i appeared. outside of myself. and realized, i was on a date. by myself. and she, was me.

i was at starbucks yesterday, reading over poetry by John Keats. his work is packed ... with everything i never knew dwelt amongst us. but now, i know.

never looking back.

i was , right where i was supposed to be. in the left turn lane. to turn left. to extend my arm. to hand a man. a bottle filled with bliss. while enduring a fatal beating. from the sun. i was right where i was supposed to be. to receive the words, "thank you. God bless you, ma'am."

away, i go.

initially, i couldn't imagine how my back would feel facing you. but after losing myself and turning away from you , i feel more alive. i feel more of You and less of my desires. i feel free.

silent treatment.

i'm certain. you don't know. what it feels like. to be treated. like a vapor. that's silent.

you came so fast.

welcome to my life, june. i wasn't expecting you to be here. so soon. i don't think any of us were. but i do hope you enjoy your stay. i do hope that i exercise you rightfully - i would be saddened if you go to waste. like a lot of my ex-months in the past. let's take it slow. i think it's better.

i am currently reading through this book of poetry that was given to me as a gift by my beautiful teacher and friend from high school (who never taught me in a class) dani pontus. i've been hungry for words and in dire need of refining my reading skills. this is one of two books i am reading this month. so, june, let's kick it. and sit back. and watch words enter us. then, we will have something to regurgitate, something new. something to speak smooth. something to speak me.

one hundred-twenty two.

window cheeks.

i know i feel you, window.

when the rain drizzles down the

sleekness of your frame, you feel vulnerable

because you have no coverings.

nothing to cover those drizzles.

like my cheeks. you're the cheeks on my face.

my eyes, the rain clouds. pouring down liquids of emotions.

happy. maybe sad. maybe petrified. maybe lonely. maybe nothing at all.

but i know, we connect. window to cheek on a rainy day.

nothing to cover the drizzles that roll down my face.

but i am ok. and so are you.